Normal Human Female

I have a dream job, husband (love of my life), two beautiful children, and a house filled with memories in a great community. I am living the American dream. Therefore it can come as a shock to many when I share that my family and I are moving to Stockholm this year.

It’s easy to elaborate on all my worries for the future of the US. To those who read the news, nothing more needs to be said. I’ve gotten a lot of nods and “I understand” or “I’ve been thinking about my options too.” What is harder to explain is how the past year has affected me mentally.

Philosophical arguments can use exaggerated circumstance as a tool to cut out the noise, provoke deeper thinking, and bring moral clarity. Imagine every day waking up, looking out the window and seeing your government executing an innocent person you do not know, have no relation with. You are witnessing this day after day while your life continues to go on as normal. Others are confused why you are so agitated – everything is fine! Just ignore it. Don’t look out the window. Don’t interfere or you may be a target as well. Maybe the person deserved it? You see people justify the executions as necessary for the well-being of the country. But some days its multiple people executed, and some days it’s a child.

You end up feeling trapped into a forced compliance. Trapped because you keep noticing this grave injustice but are bound by an unwillingness to jeopardize your own family’s safety (cowardice?), and indirectly benefit from your own inaction. Your life stays outwardly normal, everyone around you is normal, but something deep inside you is breaking. It can’t be fixed by living in the moment, enjoying what you have, and not looking out the window. What’s happening outside is so senseless, cruel, and unnecessary, it eats away at your humanity to passively accept the benefits of this system when so many are suffering from it.

There’s hundreds, maybe thousands of hours of conversations Nils and I have had about history, philosophy, politics, life, family, and our hopes and dreams. Laying it all out on the table is a tangled mess. I don’t know how to change things. I don’t know how to stop caring. I don’t know what I’ll tell my kids when they’re older. None of this is easy. For us, leaving is the best of two bad options. Maybe we will regret it? Maybe everywhere has problems? Maybe I should just get on xanax and see a therapist? Maybe we are selfish cowards? Or maybe this is a worthy sacrifice for our children’s future?

Who the fuck knows? I do know that if we stay, we’ll be stuck in a constant loop of “is this the final straw?” for every tragedy, every blatant injustice, every week, indefinitely. It’s hard to make long term plans or feel invested in our current life when every month we think we might bolt. I would rather rip this band-aid right off and get on with life. I look back on my life and the times I’ve felt backed into a corner, trapped, forced to comply – I did everything I could to escape it. This time is no different.